Tuesday, April 27, 2004
Court TV
The Kobe trial is so 10 minutes ago. Jayson who? We need to put some starving lawyers back to work and we definitely need more reality TV. So I demand more sports litigation! Sure ESPN tried this by putting Pete Rose and the Evil Empire on trial. I don’t know how those turned out because I didn’t watch them. On the other hand, being uninformed has never stopped me from ranting before. So here are my ideas for Court TV.
The BCS
Self explanatory. Lets get these guys up there and watch them squirm as they try to convince us that their system doesn’t suck. Let see them use their defense of “were looking out for the best interests of the student athlete” paired up with the revenue generated by the bowl system. Let me hear them just once under oath utter the words “its not about the money.”
ESPN
The Microsoft of Sports, which happens to be partnered with MSN. Of course this would be an Anti-Trust lawsuit. Let the little people win sometimes guys! SI.com is trying so hard. But the big bad World Wide Leader of shoving it down our throats will only let them dangle out there to give them something to compare their massive achievements against. Call it the Red Sox fan in me, but I’d like to see the big boys taken down a peg or two.
Major League Baseball
For holding the Washington DC area hostage and withholding the Expos for no apparent reason. Is there a more ludicrous lack of cooperation in sports? If this was done 2 years ago, the Washington Senators would have been able to retain Vlad and Vaz and would have one of the better teams in one of the larger markets in the country. How in the name of crooked politicians has this not been slipped in the fine print of some senate bill?
“That Guy” on the Message Board
You know who I’m talking about. He seems to have nothing better to do all day other than jump down your throat with long diatribes of how idiotic you are for daring to have an opinion that does not align seamlessly with his own. Free speech and respect-for-others mean nothing to him unless he’s the one being attacked, in which case hyper sensitivity is the soup of the day.
Rumor-monger Newspaper Columnists
Sam Smith of the Chicago Tribune, Peter Vescey of the NY Post are just the most visible liars, but several attention hungry idiots are starting to use their model to make a name for themselves. I realize that the pressure to come up with rumors is greater than ever, but they are trying to sell us on cloak and dagger “sources” that likely include such “insiders” as their dentist and that guy that sells hot dogs outside the United Center.
I also believe in a Kangaroo Court where media should be policed and fined whenever they expose us to their unimaginative, retread, boring clichés. For instance:
“Mel Kiper’s hair” – Fine: $1,000 and all your hair shaved. Bald people will be made to wear a Tony Kornheiser come-over look. We get it already. His hair is almost as overexposed as he is.
“Evil Empire” – Fine: $25 – hey, that’s all I can afford because I’ll have to fine myself many times over. I just can’t stop using it. Its gold Jerry, GOLD!
“J-Lo” Nicknames – Fine: $3,000 and locked in a rubber room where J-Lo and P-Diddy are blasted on a continuous loop. ARod, IRod, IPod, enough already.
“Upside Potential” – Fine: $50 per use. $100 per use when breaking down any draft. This one is self explanatory and has been covered by Bill Simmons. Of course, I would use all the money collected to pay Hubie Brown to quit the Griz gig and go back to overusing this phrase on NBA draft night.
The BCS
Self explanatory. Lets get these guys up there and watch them squirm as they try to convince us that their system doesn’t suck. Let see them use their defense of “were looking out for the best interests of the student athlete” paired up with the revenue generated by the bowl system. Let me hear them just once under oath utter the words “its not about the money.”
ESPN
The Microsoft of Sports, which happens to be partnered with MSN. Of course this would be an Anti-Trust lawsuit. Let the little people win sometimes guys! SI.com is trying so hard. But the big bad World Wide Leader of shoving it down our throats will only let them dangle out there to give them something to compare their massive achievements against. Call it the Red Sox fan in me, but I’d like to see the big boys taken down a peg or two.
Major League Baseball
For holding the Washington DC area hostage and withholding the Expos for no apparent reason. Is there a more ludicrous lack of cooperation in sports? If this was done 2 years ago, the Washington Senators would have been able to retain Vlad and Vaz and would have one of the better teams in one of the larger markets in the country. How in the name of crooked politicians has this not been slipped in the fine print of some senate bill?
“That Guy” on the Message Board
You know who I’m talking about. He seems to have nothing better to do all day other than jump down your throat with long diatribes of how idiotic you are for daring to have an opinion that does not align seamlessly with his own. Free speech and respect-for-others mean nothing to him unless he’s the one being attacked, in which case hyper sensitivity is the soup of the day.
Rumor-monger Newspaper Columnists
Sam Smith of the Chicago Tribune, Peter Vescey of the NY Post are just the most visible liars, but several attention hungry idiots are starting to use their model to make a name for themselves. I realize that the pressure to come up with rumors is greater than ever, but they are trying to sell us on cloak and dagger “sources” that likely include such “insiders” as their dentist and that guy that sells hot dogs outside the United Center.
I also believe in a Kangaroo Court where media should be policed and fined whenever they expose us to their unimaginative, retread, boring clichés. For instance:
“Mel Kiper’s hair” – Fine: $1,000 and all your hair shaved. Bald people will be made to wear a Tony Kornheiser come-over look. We get it already. His hair is almost as overexposed as he is.
“Evil Empire” – Fine: $25 – hey, that’s all I can afford because I’ll have to fine myself many times over. I just can’t stop using it. Its gold Jerry, GOLD!
“J-Lo” Nicknames – Fine: $3,000 and locked in a rubber room where J-Lo and P-Diddy are blasted on a continuous loop. ARod, IRod, IPod, enough already.
“Upside Potential” – Fine: $50 per use. $100 per use when breaking down any draft. This one is self explanatory and has been covered by Bill Simmons. Of course, I would use all the money collected to pay Hubie Brown to quit the Griz gig and go back to overusing this phrase on NBA draft night.
