Tuesday, April 13, 2004
The Yoricks
Its that time of year where post season NBA awards are handed out by sports writers and TV analysts. Columnists debate the best and worst of the year in an annual fill-in-the-blanks, easy-to-write template. Analysts stick their ugly mugs on a gold statue and name it after themselves in a vain attempt to bolster their name recognition. Its kind of like how the players and teams play out the string before the real games start to matter again. So instead of doing the same old NBA player awards, how about taking a quick look at the writers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first annual Yorick Awards! (bonus points for whoever can figure out that literary reference)
The Captain Obvious Award: Dr. Jack Ramsey
His firm and steadfast grasp of the plainly obvious shines like a steady beacon of light for all to squint at. Amazing insights such as “Shaq is a dominant player” and “defense is very important” and “winning games is absolutely necessary to make the playoffs” astound us all. His unshakable objectivity also sets him apart, especially when defending former Celtic Coach (and current son-in-law) Jim O’Brien.
The Stop Shouting Award: Stephen A. Smith
A well deserved award for going above and beyond the call of duty and/or decency. No subject is small enough; no issue insignificant enough to avoid the piling on of a mountain of words bellowed out at full volume for all to enjoy. Every GM, coach, and player not named Iverson is subject to the onslaught of constructive criticism and insightful observations delivered as if a bullhorn was taken away from him in the middle of a speech during a rainstorm.
The Dan Shaughnessy Award (Overly emotional Boston-based writer): Peter May
The sky is falling, the sky is falling! Chicken Little? No. Just another Boston-based writer railing on the hopes of the home team’s chances. According to this writer, the best players in the world are the ones that got away. Current players will be scrutinized, criticized, and vilified right up until their departure. Someone must be blamed for the failures of the team, so everyone gets it from the trainers right up to the owners. “Long range vision” and “investment for the future” are punch lines because all that matters is the next day’s copy.
The What Did I Say? Award: Charlie Rosen
All ESPN asked Mr. Rosen to do last year was to chronicle the Lakers' attempt to four-peat. Mr Rosen, he of such dubious honors as having coached in the CBA, proceeded to seize this opportunity to criticize everything possible about the reigning champs on a weekly basis. While this definitely pleased all the Laker-haters and conspiracy theorists out there, chances are it wasn't a great career move by Charlie, considering the Lakers are Commissioner Stern's crown jewel. Analytically breaking down Kobe's game is interesting. Writing a two part series on why Kobe is too selfish is what we sometimes call overkill. Not surprisingly, Charlie Rosen was dropped from the fall lineup of NBA writers, proving that lots of people can complain, but it is only the true Sports Guys that last.
The John Stamos Award: Marty Burns
This award goes to the man who somehow found his way into the cushiest gig in the world, yet adds virtually nothing to the table that one would wonder how he ever landed there. John "Full House" Stamos has been quixotically married to Rebecca Romijn for the past five years and nobody is sure why. He is neither wealthy nor powerful in the Hollywood sense and tours with his garage band, yet he was married to the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue covergirl. Which allows us to segue into SI's Mr. Burns, who is the Natural Light to Jack McCallum's Sam Adams, to Don Banks' Heffe Weis, to Peter King's (what else?) Guinness Stout. Occasionally he falls into some interesting bit of info, but other than that, his calling card is the NBA Power Rankings (woah, looks like Celtics slipped two spots from 16 to 18 this week! Caution, Danny Ainge, caution!). This week he gets to write that he thinks that Kevin Garnett should be MVP, groundbreaking stuff. The telltale sign is, if John Stamos fell in the woods, would anyone care? Marty, you're a good looking kid, but if you trip and fall, nobody will hear your screams.
Other Awards (these are like the ones at the Oscars where they are taped previously because nobody cares about them):
The Mike & Mike Just Shut Up Award: Bill Walton
The We Still Like You But Shut Up Already Award: Charles Barkley
The We Never Liked You Award: Bill Laimbeer
The Where Are You Now That MJ Retired? Award: Ahmad Rashad
The You Can Stay Cause You’re Cute Award: Summer Sanders
The You Are The Glue Award: Ernie Johnson
The Stick To College Coaching Award: John Thompson
The Craig Sager Award (worst dressed announcer): Craig Sager – lifetime achievement – nobody’s even close
(this list was compiled by Jeff and Andy)
The Captain Obvious Award: Dr. Jack Ramsey
His firm and steadfast grasp of the plainly obvious shines like a steady beacon of light for all to squint at. Amazing insights such as “Shaq is a dominant player” and “defense is very important” and “winning games is absolutely necessary to make the playoffs” astound us all. His unshakable objectivity also sets him apart, especially when defending former Celtic Coach (and current son-in-law) Jim O’Brien.
The Stop Shouting Award: Stephen A. Smith
A well deserved award for going above and beyond the call of duty and/or decency. No subject is small enough; no issue insignificant enough to avoid the piling on of a mountain of words bellowed out at full volume for all to enjoy. Every GM, coach, and player not named Iverson is subject to the onslaught of constructive criticism and insightful observations delivered as if a bullhorn was taken away from him in the middle of a speech during a rainstorm.
The Dan Shaughnessy Award (Overly emotional Boston-based writer): Peter May
The sky is falling, the sky is falling! Chicken Little? No. Just another Boston-based writer railing on the hopes of the home team’s chances. According to this writer, the best players in the world are the ones that got away. Current players will be scrutinized, criticized, and vilified right up until their departure. Someone must be blamed for the failures of the team, so everyone gets it from the trainers right up to the owners. “Long range vision” and “investment for the future” are punch lines because all that matters is the next day’s copy.
The What Did I Say? Award: Charlie Rosen
All ESPN asked Mr. Rosen to do last year was to chronicle the Lakers' attempt to four-peat. Mr Rosen, he of such dubious honors as having coached in the CBA, proceeded to seize this opportunity to criticize everything possible about the reigning champs on a weekly basis. While this definitely pleased all the Laker-haters and conspiracy theorists out there, chances are it wasn't a great career move by Charlie, considering the Lakers are Commissioner Stern's crown jewel. Analytically breaking down Kobe's game is interesting. Writing a two part series on why Kobe is too selfish is what we sometimes call overkill. Not surprisingly, Charlie Rosen was dropped from the fall lineup of NBA writers, proving that lots of people can complain, but it is only the true Sports Guys that last.
The John Stamos Award: Marty Burns
This award goes to the man who somehow found his way into the cushiest gig in the world, yet adds virtually nothing to the table that one would wonder how he ever landed there. John "Full House" Stamos has been quixotically married to Rebecca Romijn for the past five years and nobody is sure why. He is neither wealthy nor powerful in the Hollywood sense and tours with his garage band, yet he was married to the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue covergirl. Which allows us to segue into SI's Mr. Burns, who is the Natural Light to Jack McCallum's Sam Adams, to Don Banks' Heffe Weis, to Peter King's (what else?) Guinness Stout. Occasionally he falls into some interesting bit of info, but other than that, his calling card is the NBA Power Rankings (woah, looks like Celtics slipped two spots from 16 to 18 this week! Caution, Danny Ainge, caution!). This week he gets to write that he thinks that Kevin Garnett should be MVP, groundbreaking stuff. The telltale sign is, if John Stamos fell in the woods, would anyone care? Marty, you're a good looking kid, but if you trip and fall, nobody will hear your screams.
Other Awards (these are like the ones at the Oscars where they are taped previously because nobody cares about them):
The Mike & Mike Just Shut Up Award: Bill Walton
The We Still Like You But Shut Up Already Award: Charles Barkley
The We Never Liked You Award: Bill Laimbeer
The Where Are You Now That MJ Retired? Award: Ahmad Rashad
The You Can Stay Cause You’re Cute Award: Summer Sanders
The You Are The Glue Award: Ernie Johnson
The Stick To College Coaching Award: John Thompson
The Craig Sager Award (worst dressed announcer): Craig Sager – lifetime achievement – nobody’s even close
(this list was compiled by Jeff and Andy)
