Monday, October 18, 2004

Diary of a Yankee Fan 

Inspired by Bill Simmons, I thought it would be a good idea to write a game diary of my experience watching the game. Like the game, this diary became unexpectedly long and disappointing… enjoy.

8:14 - I am ready to start watching this game, but my girlfriend just came over to cook apple crisp... nice! We went apple picking yesterday and she doesn't have cable... and apparently she wants to watch the game.. not normal, but I will play along... does anyone know if Trading Spaces is on?

8:18 - I need to clean out my garbage disposal... something is stuck in there... gah! I am missing the Yanks first at bats... it sounds loud at Fenway from the kitchen... I would have to guess that the Yanks aren't doing anything worth seeing.

8:25 - I'm free! My girl wants me to get out of the kitchen so I can watch the game... I must be scowling a lot or she knows I have never successfully made baked goods before...

8:34 - After starting strong, with two outs. El Duque has issued walks to Manny and Ortiz... I am thinking about getting the Crossing Over guy to channel the ghost of mid-summer El Duque.

8:39 - Varitek strikes out to end the inning... El Duque needs more control less walks please... to quote Han Solo, "I'm getting a bad feeling about this..."

8:45 - Matsui leadoff double which looks like it will be a blown chance. Not to hype his impact in this series, but seriously! Unfortunately, the only guy who will blow this chance is currently at the plate... Posada.

8:49 - Posada gimps a ball in the infield, Matsui out at the plate, I told you...

8:51 - Joe Buck feels the need to explain the "D-LO" chant. Message to Joe Buck: in the post "Jennifer Lopez to J-Lo" and "Puff Daddy to P. Diddy" era, we get it. Sierra strikes out to end the threat.

9:11 - Jeter goes the other way for a hit off the heel of Billy Mueller's glove... not sure if they scored it a hit or error, but the fans are booing, so I'll take it that it was called an error.

9:13 - Lowe face... A-Rod just BOMBED a ball over the monster, monster seats, and slammed a Sports Authority billboard. In proper fashion the ball came back onto the field from the seats, Johnny Damon took the ball and LAUNCHED it out of the stadium onto Landsdowne Street, only to have it come back onto the field again. The fans haven't been this worked up in this game. The umpire didn't think the gesture was that funny and pocketed the ball for himself...

9:32 - Celebrity Watch - My girlfriend just got really excited because they showed Penny Marshall in the stands... Schlamiel, Schlamazzal, Hossenpheffer Incorporated!

9:54 - Al Leiter just explained El Duque's "tired arm" as "someone punching you 10-15 times in your shoulder." I had "tired arm" alot as a kid with an older brother. El Duque issues a walk to start off the inning, "I've got a bad feeling about this..."

9:58 - One out now and Sox have the men on first and second. Hernandez just issued another walk. Damon walking to the plate... my girlfriend just exclaimed "come on Johnny Damon!" I didn't realize women were attracted to someone who looks like Phil Hartman's "Caveman Lawyer" character until this year. As Butthead once prophesied: "chicks dig a beard."

10:02 - Crowd on their feet. Damon hits to Jeter and Yanks barely miss the double play, Sox with 1st and 3rd.

10:07 - After a long at bat, Cabrera hits a fastball away for a single. Red Sox score, and my girlfirend is jumping up and down and clapping for the Sox... her actions somehow remind me of my firend Matt. Manny now coming to the plate with chants of "Man-neee" from the stands. I am not sure how many pitches that was, but El Duque just walked Manny. "I've got a bad feeling about this..."

10:10 - Ortiz now at the the plate with bases loaded, I think I need some hard liquor or a NyQuil. Line drive that scores two, Sox are on top. My girl is getting more and more into this game. Moral of story: be careful what you wish for.

10:16 - El Duque strikes out Varitek to end the inning.

10:23 - Lowe face, Matsui triples... have I mentioned what an impact this guy has had on this series? Francona has motioned the bullpen. Lowe walks off the field (maybe last time in a Sox uniform) to a chorus of boos and jeers... I mean, boos and cheers.

10:29 - Fans boo an inside pitch from Timlin to Bernie. I am reminded of Hagrid's comment (sorry Hagrid.. had to) about Yankees fans and balls and strikes. Chopper to Cabrera who misses a barehander for a throw home to get Matsui. On the replay it is clear that Matsui would have been out my a mile. "The Defense That Theo Built" knots the score. My girlfriend is not pleased with this turn of events.

10:32 - Timlin passes a ball, moving Bernie to second. Not two minutes later and Timlin passed ball, Bernie attempts to advance to third. Bernie was blocked off the bag by Mueller for the out, great call by the ump.

10:36 - Two botched defensive plays in a row by Bellhorn. The Yanks now up 4-3. Crowd starts to chant "Pokey." Crowd shot of a guy drinking his beer with a paper bag on his head with the writing "Who's my Daddy?"

10:53 - Switched over to the Sunday Night Football Game on ESPN to see how Randy Moss is doing for my fantasy team. I switch just in time to see Mewelde Moore get rocked on a half-back option. You will see it on SportsCenter.. trust me. Someone please explain why Randy Moss isn't wearing pads?

11:05 - Ahh Fox's "Sounds of the Game" Rodriguez on first grunts "Ay! No!" on a pickoff attempt... All I can think of is that bee from The Simpsons... "Ay! No es bueno!" Matsui chops out and moves A-Rod over to second.

11:07 - Bernie fouls the back into Joe Buck's manicured hands... to appease the Fenway Faithful (and to pay pennance for his obvious partisanship), Buck throws the ball back. The organ plays "Hooked on a Feeling." Somewhere in Virginia, my buddy Matt is dancing and prancing to his favorite (and my least favorite song) in the world.

11:16 - Scenic cityscape coming back from commercial, Joe Buck informs us we are looking Boston's skyline. Actually the shot is of The People's Republic of Cambridge. A minute later and Bellhorn has struck out. Bad news: Bellhorn booed on the way to the bench. Good news: no chants of "Pokey" on the way.

11:20 - Message to Bono and iPod: "Uno, dos, tres, CATORCE" means "One, two, three, FOURTEEN!"

11:34 - Celebrity Watch Part II - According to my girlfriend, Rudy Giuliani is in the stands.

11:38 - Buck mentions his experience on the Duck Tour of Boston... he mentions his driver's theory that Rivera is in actuality a robot, and they plug him in at night...I am currently experiencing late night deja vu. This reminds me too much of those "Batteries Not Included" books I read as a kid...

11:41 - Drunk guy wearing Dino Mask with no shirt pounding on his fat stomach... Simmons Scale of Unintentional Comedy: 86

12:02 - Rivera walks Millar, Dave Roberts in to pinch run. "This ain't dusting crops boy!!!"

12:04 - Roberts steals second, Billy Mueller rips one up the middle for an RBI single. Bellhorn bunts and moves Mueller over now with one out. Damon chops a ball to Clark who bobbles for no play. Men now on 1st & 3rd with no outs... a ball to the outfield wins the game. Rivera needs a strikeout on Cabrera and gets it.

12:16 - What did I miss? My girlfriend, who was worked herself into a fit over this game is dry heaving. I must admit I sneak a peak at the TV on the way to get her a glass of water... freaking out a bit as I realize it is bases loaded now with Ortiz at the plate.... Ortiz, pops it up to end the inning.

12:34 - Girlfriend dry heaving in the bathroom again, indiffernt to her pain, I am watching the the Sox in the bottom of the 10th. Crowd chanting Pokey... sounds eerily like the guys in Fight Club saying "his name was Robert Paulsen." Joe Buck jinxes the Yanks by saying the longer the game goes, the more it favors them.

12:43 - Cairo singles and Jeter moves Cairo over on a sac bunt. Shifty McGee (my girlfriend who just experienced dry heaves to my indifference) can't sit still and is driving me nuts... maybe I am a little on edge here... maybe.

12:52 - Myers loads the bases to have Curtis Leskanic relieve him. During the break, Courtney reminds me that the Yankees are up three games and I need to relax. Yanks end the inning with no runs. The Yankees are up three games, I need to relax.

1:10 - Why did I think writing this diary was a good idea? I am starting to hit the wall, so from here on out, I am getting lazy and my posts might only be related to any actual scoring. Courtney has given up on the game... I give her credit for putting in a solid 4 hours, that is more Trading Spaces than I would ever watch. Posada moves to second on a ball that was inches from preventing any further Leskanics from entering the world. Inning over/

1:20 - Leadoff single for Manny. Ortiz at the plate JACKS a ball deep to right for a game winning homer, just clearing the right field fence. Insanity ensues, I am sure people are already getting arrested an turning over cars near Northeastern University. I am having trouble seeing at this point. Longest game in ALCS history, of course it is the first one I try to right a game diary for. As for the series "I don't get a good feeling about this..."

Editor's note: Find more quality rants by Brian at his blog: NYJetsBlog.blogspot.com (yeah, he's a NY fan, but we love him anyway)

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